It’s not all rainbows and sunshine.

I created this platform to speak on matters that really made some impact on my life whether positive OR negative.  I found that I began doing the same thing I often always do in person and completely divert from the things I truly wanted to speak on, and address only what is wholesome, positive and uplifting.   The truth is that life is more than just wholesome, positive and uplifting.  At many times it is completely opposite of those things.  I wondered, what could it be that holds us back from touching on topics that really impact our lives whether it be causing us confusion in what direction to take, or completely inhibiting or prohibiting our ability to have good self-esteem.  I believe a lot of us avoid discussing many things openly because we are not only afraid of being judged, but so worried about imposing on others.  I didn’t understand the balance in that and the importance of being able to lean on others.  If you are lucky to have these people in your life, you know how much of a difference being able to talk about things openly can make.

I want to use this platform to speak on the thoughts that weigh on my mind, be it positive or negative, in hopes to not only unify with others who may feel or think the same, but to gain some insight on how others cope or manage these thoughts.

I think one of the most debilitating thoughts that provokes low or bad self-esteem, is simply not being good enough.  I struggle intensely with this thought, and how it applies to many aspects of my life.  I have had low self-esteem since childhood.  I was never very confident in anything, nor did I believe I was good at anything.  PTSD has exacerbated and added immensely to this issue and it still lingers today despite many overcoming’s and therapy/rehabilitation.

Sometimes we just are not confident people.  We are riddled with poor views on ourselves and the world around us.  It can be hard just to go out in public because we are convinced and believe that others see us the same way we see ourselves.  We are often afraid to try anything in fear of messing it up or causing catastrophe despite being successful at many things.  We tend to always consider the negative and it almost has a front seat in our brain, and all accomplishments we have mad or anything good we have done sits way in the back in the very last row.

Being chronically ill has really taken a toll on my mental space and has left me feeling even more incapable and insufficient.  I find that I am constantly paying attention to what I can’t do or what I am not doing well enough.  My mind and body feel so disconnected at times and I can hear my brain telling me what needs to be done and my body is feeling like it cannot keep up, which causes my mind to go in overdrive and give me anxiety through the roof.  I am always stressing myself about needing to push through pain and fatigue in fear of becoming lame, knowing that my brain needs physical stimulation and my body needs mental stimulation.

The inconsistency of symptoms creates this unstable and unpredictable way of life that makes it hard to accomplish, persevere and/or just be happy.  One minute I could be getting home, unpacking and running around doing chores and then suddenly, an overwhelming sense of fatigue and pain sets in, as if it was already there and I was just to busy pushing through to notice.  That’s what it’s like, constantly ignoring pain, fatigue, nausea, and crippling depression to make sure you get to work or finish the house duties.  Sometimes I look at what I am doing and say to myself, “you are just doing laundry, a simple task many do, you should not be feeling this defeated.”  My mind and body keep on feeding this vicious cycle.

The facts I fail to realize at the time are:

1. You worked 6 hours cleaning two large homes thoroughly.
2. You took care of your four-legged children and made sure they were happy, full and safe.
3. You ran into 3 different grocery stores to get the proper nutrition without killing yourself financially.
4. You swept the floor and washed the dishes right after you put your work gear away and started laundry.
5. You are chronically ill with diseases……

I begin to see all the things that I DID do, and I can then start to allow myself the ability to rest without judgement.  I still feel the guilt, that doesn’t go away.  I remain thinking of what more I could do, and then there is the anxiety I try to fight as I worry about what still needs to be done, but I have learned to allow myself to be ill and rest.

Chronic illness feels like imprisonment.  That is the best way to describe it.  Imagine, you have a stomach flu that is going around, and you are so sick that you can’t even think twice to get up, even for a night out and a feast of pizza or burgers and fries.  You feel bored and crappy and often keep saying in your head how you never want to feel that way again.  Then when that few days to weeks is over, you are so ready to jump out and to eat and do all the things you have been thinking about.  Chronic illness is like that but with no guaranteed end.  Maybe it will be months, maybe it will be years and for some, they are never free.  That is one of the worst parts, the unknown.  It is enough to drive you crazy!!! Often, that is exactly where you end up and it doesn’t make your physical well being any better.

Oh, and another thing you cannot do is have a social life.  For the friends you still have that stuck around despite your inability to drink, eat normally at restaurants, go shopping (because you invested in your naturopath/dr., lack of working), stay up late, and the list goes on.  This is where that important factor mentioned in the beginning comes into play; people to lean on.  The fact is that not a whole lot of people are calling you up to ask you how you are feeling or wanting to know what is troubling you most and how they can help with that.  The truth is many of them feel helpless too and they don’t know how to help you.  Some people are gifts from God and they realize that you just need to vent, and possibly cry it out for a moment.  You quickly learn to keep quiet so that you don’t ‘ruin’ anyone’s day.  I was already an introvert by choice, but not being able to choose being alone makes it very depressing.

At the end of this, I look back at what I wrote here in this post and I see a constructive vent session that has temporarily freed me from these thoughts going around and round in my head.  Maybe some of you can empathize and/or may have similar feelings now and I hope you here see that someone understands and is feeling just as confused, frustrated and upset.  We are going to feel many things that are unpleasant, but the beauty of feelings is that they change.  You will feel better again, and after maybe worse also, but you will always come back to good and that CAN become a familiar place for you.

Don’t pick out all the things you are doing wrong or unable to do, or but please do not forget to think of all that you are doing despite being inhibited by illness whether mental or physical.  It doesn’t make things impossible, just harder.  So, take your time and put your best into each day because that is all that anyone can do and that alone can be an accomplishment to remember!